Writing has become very cathartic for me. I don’t have to explain to the keys on my laptop why my fingers are moving furiously. The keys don’t ask me if I’m mad or upset. They don’t wonder why I’m pecking away at an ungodly hour or first thing in the morning. The keys don’t care how I’m feeling and I don’t have to offer any explanation. I like that. I like when I get inspiration to write, whether a blog post or a chapter (page, paragraph or sentence) for my book. My inspiration to write often comes from unexpected sources. A quote that I’ve read or a song that I’ve heard will cause me to think and reflect on the best ways to express my emotions in a way that is comprehensible and somewhat logical. I find that I’m most inspired when someone who has taken the time to read something that I’ve written also take the time to give me constructive and encouraging feedback. Everyone loves to get a compliment, but it wasn’t the compliment that inspired me. It was the identification of my character within my writing. Writing a book can be challenging but getting unexpected inspiration makes the journey worthwhile.
Doing what is expected of you and being true to yourself can cause some major internal conflict. I’m speaking from experience. As I’ve said before, I’m a recovering people pleaser. It’s second nature for me to say “yes” to every request that is made of me and it is very difficult to tell people “no”. I’m also a pathological hypocrite because whenever one of my sisterfriends are in the same predicament, I am able to outline a plan of escape and refusal so graceful that the other person would feel guilty even asking them to do something in the first place. So why is it so difficult for me? Because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I don’t want someone to think poorly of me. I don’t want to not ever be asked to do something in the future when the timing is better. If I heard those excuses from someone else, I would read them the riot act from Amazing Grace to Mt. Zion and tell them that they don’t owe anything to anyone. It’s not easy to practice what you preach.
Women know of this conflict all too well. Women are raised to excel in school, get a job, get married, buy a house and have children. So what happens when you finally have all that you desire and you now feel suffocated by the very life you prayed for? Internal conflict. From the ordinary and mundane as “Should I watch my favorite TV show or do a load of laundry?” to the more life-altering, “Do I stay in this marriage for the sake of my kids or do finally set myself free?” In my opinion, women suffer more from internal conflict because we were raised to believe we could do anything. No one told us that it would take two or three versions of ourselves to make one competent representation.
Choosing what is best for you might be seen as being selfish. Choosing what others feel is best for you might lead to regret. The choice is yours to make.